Personal Life Coaching in Amsterdam & Online

View Original

The Art of Listening: why it matters and how to become a better listener.

Kim Vassallo

Communication 101

As we can see from the model above, there are many different moving parts when it comes to communication. Firstly, the speaker (person 1) needs to encode (or convert) what they are thinking into spoken words. While this might be easy when you're asking your partner to buy something from the shops, it’s a lot harder when you’re trying to convert difficult feelings or abstract thoughts into sentences. How a person puts their thoughts and feelings into words will also depend on their field of experience, which includes things like someone’s psychology, values, relational history and culture.

Once the message has been sent it can get distorted by “noise”. This can be anything that interferes with a message, including distracting sounds, tiredness and language barriers.

Next, when the listener (person 2) receives the message, they need to decode it. This means interpreting the words and making meaning of the message. Like with encoding a message, decoding will be shaped by the listener’s field of experience. If the listener then wants to reply and provide feedback, the whole process repeats itself.

So not only does communication involve many different steps and processes but each of these has a lot of room for error. However, there are certain things we can all do to minimise this error and communicate more effectively. One of the most powerful ways of improving our communication skills is by becoming better listeners. After all, by giving the person talking our full attention and stepping into their shoes, we’re more likely to understand their message and consequently provide an appropriate and meaningful response.

5 levels of listening

Now that we’ve covered why listening is a core communication skill, let’s take a look at the five different levels of listening as described by Stephen R. Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

1) Ignoring

Ignoring means failing to notice or acknowledge what someone is saying. This can easily be seen in our body language, for example, we might be scrolling on our phones or watching the TV. Even though this is the first level of listening, I would argue that this isn’t a form of listening at all as we’re not making any effort to engage with what is being said.

2) Pretending

The next level of listening is pretending, where we are giving the appearance of listening but not actually taking anything in. We might be nodding our heads or making sounds like “yeah” and “uh huh” to make the other person think that we’re following along, when, in fact, our mind is elsewhere. This strategy works until the person asks us a question or makes a request which we’re unable to answer or act upon. 

3) Selective listening

Selective listening refers to only listening to parts of the conversation, usually in order to give a quick reply or to engage with the topics that interest us. While it is a step in the right direction, only hearing certain parts of the message can lead to misunderstanding and miscommunication. 

The first three levels of listening are often referred to as “passive” forms of listening: we are not devoting 100% of our attention to the conversation and we are only providing limited reactions, such as “mmmhh” and “Right..”. While there is a time and place for passive listening, becoming an effective communicator and building strong relationships requires us to actively listen to others. 

4) Attentive listening

As the name suggests, at this level of listening we are paying attention to the other person and what they are saying. We will be using our body language, such as eye contact and nods, and responding appropriately, for example, with reflections or questions, to show that we’re listening. Overall, we will be giving them the message “I am listening and trying to understand”. However, at this level, we are seeking to understand the other person based on our field of experience. Put more simply, we’re looking at what they are saying through the lens of our own experiences rather than through the eyes of the person we’re talking to.

5) Empathic listening

The last and most advanced level of listening is empathetic listening. In addition to giving our full attention, using the right body language and responding appropriately, empathic listening is about understanding what the other person is saying from their field of experience rather than our own. Essentially, it’s about stepping into their shoes. When we fully understand what the other person is sharing and feeling when can then respond in a way that meets the person where they are at. While empathic listening takes a lot of mental and emotional energy, it can be very rewarding.

Both attentive and empathic listening are active forms of listening which aim to understand rather than just hear what someone is saying. Active listening can help avoid misunderstandings, prevent arguments from escalating, help others feel understood, and improve relationship satisfaction. In the workplace, it can also help you become a more effective collaborator, negotiator and leader.

And if you’re now thinking to yourself “yeah, but I’m a bad listener” the good news is that active listening is made up of different subskills, many of which can be learned. For example, paying attention, reading non-verbal cues, regulating your emotional response, and processing the information you’re receiving. Below we will take a look at 8 ways that you can start to practice high quality listening and become a better listener in your personal and professional life.

8 tips to become a better listener

1) Remove distractions

As we saw in the communication model above, there are many sources of “noise” that can hinder communication. Some of these might be out of our control, like language barriers or an unstable internet connection, but there are many sources of noise that we can actively do something about, either by reducing them or removing them entirely. Some common examples are turning off your notifications, removing headphones, stepping away from screens (if it’s not a video call!) and finding a quiet place to talk where you won’t get distracted or interrupted. Not only do these things reduce noise but they also let the other person know that you are prepared to fully listen to them. 

Other common distractions are our own thoughts and feelings. When we’re preoccupied with an upcoming deadline or wondering what we’ll be eating this evening, we’re not giving the other person 100% of our attention. So before starting a conversation with someone else, try to calm your mind and ground yourself in the present. If this sounds difficult or even alien to you, a good place to start is practising mindfulness exercises, such as guided meditations or mindfully listening to music. Once you feel more comfortable with these individual mindfulness practices, you can try to bring them into your social interactions. 

2) Keep an open mind

When you’re listening to someone, your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective, whether you agree with it or not is irrelevant. Therefore, if you want to reach the fifth level of listening, try to avoid judging or criticising someone as this compromises your ability to effectively listen and step into the other person’s shoes. Another thing that can cloud our understanding of someone else’s story is if we jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what they are thinking and feeling. Remember the only way we can get a sense of what is going on in someone else’s head is if they tell us and we listen with an open mind. 

3) Be upfront about any shortcomings

We all get tired or distracted from time to time, especially after a long day or an emotionally challenging week. However, instead of pretending that you’re paying attention and following along when in fact you’re having an open-eyed snooze mid-conversation, let the other person know that you’re struggling to listen fully. Not only is this more respectful to your communication partner but this way they’re aware and can adjust accordingly, like slowing down the pace, providing time to ask questions and check that you’ve understood or even postponing the conversation to another time.

4) Don’t plan your answers while the other person is talking

How often have you jumped in mid-conversation or given an answer before the other person has finished asking their question? And in how many of these instances did you feel like you were engaging in high-quality communication? Probably not that many and that’s because fast is not always best when it comes to social interactions. When we’re listening to reply rather than to understand, we’re more likely to introduce misinterpretations and distance between ourselves and our communication partner.

So if you have a tendency to plan your answers in advance, take a step back and try these tips:

  • Listen fully to your conversation partner (not scheming in the background!).

  • Once they have finished talking, take a brief pause to process the information.

  • Only then, compose your answer.

5) Observe what is not said

In addition to what a person is saying, how they say is it just as important. Imagine that you’ve asked someone how they are doing and they reply with “I’m fine”. That’s not much to go on right? However, if you noticed that they said this in a monotonous voice while looking away and fiddling with their hands you now have a lot more information to work with. You might reflect back to them that they seem preoccupied or ask them if something is on their mind. 

Non-verbal cues, such as tone of voice, body language, facial expressions and eye contact, are a well of information about what the other person is experiencing while they are talking to you. But don’t forget that this works both ways! The speaker will also be noticing your non-verbal cues so try to show that you are listening through your body language and facial expressions. While there are some cultural differences, in Western cultures making regular eye contact, having an open posture and nodding from time to time can help show someone that you’re giving them your full attention.

6) Ask questions to clarify

Asking questions can be powerful. It can help you clarify something you don’t understand (“When you say… do you mean…?” or “I heard you say …. Is that what you meant?”) or go into further depth (“How did that make you feel?” or “What did you think about that?”). Not only does a thoughtful question help the other person feel listened to and minimise misunderstandings, but it can also help you unearth new insights and create learning opportunities.

7) Paraphrase and summarise

If you’re not using them yet, then consider adding paraphrasing and summarising into your communication toolbox. Paraphrasing refers to repeating what someone said in slightly different words, especially shorter and simpler ones. In contrast, summarising only picks out the main points of what someone has said and organises them into a concise summary. Below is an example of both:

Original: “When people keep checking their phones or looking around when I’m talking to them, it makes me feel like I’m boring them and that they would rather be somewhere else... Sometimes this makes me angry but most of the time I just feel embarrassed. It’s like high school all over again… and I’m invisible.”

Paraphrase: “When people aren’t paying attention to you while you’re talking, you think that you’re boring them and that they don’t want to be there. This sometimes makes you feel angry but mainly embarrassed. It reminds you of feeling invisible in high school”. 

Summary: “When people aren’t listening to you, it makes you feel boring, invisible, angry and embarrassed”.

When paraphrasing and summarising, it can help to use expressions such as “It sounds like you’re saying…” and “If I understand right, you said…” to let the other person know you are trying to reflect back and understand what they said.

8) Express empathy

As we saw earlier, the highest level of listening involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can truly understand what they are saying and feeling in that moment. Essentially, when done well, listening is an act of empathy. To practice empathic listening, try to “feel” what the other person is feeling by paying attention to what they are saying as well as how they are saying it (verbal and non-verbal cues). Also, try to clear your mind of any judgments or distractions and adopt an open and curious stance so that you can understand what the other person is saying from their perspective rather than it being clouded by your own.

And now it’s your turn to practice!

Listening exercise: for one week try the following when you’re having a conversation:

  1. Turn away from distractions and face the person you’re talking to.

  2. Listen to them without interrupting and pay attention to their non-verbal cues.

  3. When they are finished speaking, use clarifying questions, paraphrases and summaries to check your understanding.

  4. If your understanding is correct, you can then give a reply or ask in-depth questions to help you step into their shoes.

  5. When relevant, summarise the agreements or action points that were reached during that conversation. This can help make sure that you’re both on the same page and have clear expectations about the next steps.

Resources