Compassion: a gift that keeps on giving

In this last blog post of the Well-being in Lockdown mini-series, I wanted to explore something that can help uplift and connect us during the festive season, even if we are far away from our loved ones. And that is the gift of compassion. Below we will look at what compassion and self-compassion are, their many benefits, and how we can cultivate them in the coming year.

What is compassion?

Compassion often gets confused with empathy and altruism but although these concepts are related, they are not the same. Empathy is the ability to sense someone else’s emotions and imagine what they might be thinking or feeling while altruism is the willingness to promote someone else’s well-being, even at a risk or cost to one’s own. Compassion combines these two and consists of being aware of someone else’s suffering and authentically wanting to help them.

What about self-compassion?

Self-compassion is simply a subset of compassion which is directed inwardly. It is about showing ourselves the same kindness, acceptance, and care that we would show a loved one who is in emotional distress.

According to Associate Professor Dr Kristin Neff (1), self-compassion consists of three separate components:

• Self-kindness. Instead of engaging in harsh self-criticism and berating ourselves for our inadequacies and failures, it is about kindly acknowledging our inevitable imperfections.

• Common humanity. This involves recognising that although our experiences are unique, they are also part of a common human experience. Similarly, emotions like pain are universal and we are not alone in our emotional experiences.

• Mindfulness. This is about being aware of our experiences without bias or judgement. It is simply observing our thoughts and feelings without responding to them, for example, by trying to suppress or criticise them.

While some people feel angry and ashamed for making a mistake, a self-compassionate person can acknowledge and take responsibility for this error while still showing themselves kindness and understanding.

The Benefits of (Self) Compassion

A growing body of research has found that (self) compassion is associated with numerous well-being and interpersonal benefits.

Mental Health Benefits

Firstly, self-compassion can contribute to psychological well-being. For example, mindful self-compassion training has been shown to reduce stress and burnout symptoms in just six weeks (2). Researchers have also found that self-compassionate people are less likely to be self-critical and therefore, less likely to be anxious and depressed (3). This might be because being compassionate is pleasurable (it lights up the same brain regions as food, sex, and money!) and self-compassionate people tend to adopt a broader perspective instead of just focusing on their own issues. And when faced with life stressors, such as divorce (4), a transition to college (5) or chronic health difficulties (6), self-compassion can promote emotional resilience and stability. So overall, being kind to ourselves seems to do a lot of good for our psychological well-being.

Physical Health Benefits

Self-compassion has also been found to have a beneficial role in terms of physical health. Some studies have found that self-compassion training can improve self-regulation of health behaviours (7) and our immune and behavioural response to stress (8). Research also suggests that compassion has direct benefits for our general physical health, functional immunity, sleep, and longevity (8, 9).

Social Benefits

Does compassion drive connection? Research seems to suggest it does! Self-compassionate individuals tend to show more positive relationship behaviours (e.g. being more caring and supportive) (10). In the workplace, compassionate and understanding co-workers generally build stronger working relationships. This can help improve co-workers’ productivity levels and increase feelings of connection and commitment (11,12,13). So compassion appears to strengthen our social connection and combat loneliness.

How can you cultivate (self) compassion?

Although compassion appears to be (at least in part) a naturally evolved instinct, the good news is that it can be cultivated through training. Here are a few tips on how you can practice more (self) compassion in your everyday life.

1. Challenge your negative beliefs about self-compassion

Some of us might cringe at the idea of self-compassion and believe that it is selfish, self-indulgent, self-pitying or a bit too touchy-feely. However, it is none of these things. Kindly acknowledging and alleviating your negative feelings does not mean that you do not take responsibility for your mistakes or are soft. It simply means that you recognise that making mistakes is part of being human, vow to try to do better next time, and move on.

2. Become more self-aware

Many of us are not aware that we are struggling or being self-critical. We often go through life on autopilot; rarely checking-in with ourselves or considering kinder ways of treating ourselves. So, try to become more aware of when you are struggling and how you respond to this. Do you treat yourself the same way you would a friend? Or do you criticise yourself for struggling and making mistakes?

3. Start with you: show yourself some kindness

It is difficult to be compassionate towards others if you struggle to be compassionate towards yourself. This is because the inner critic that judges and punishes you for your shortcomings will do the same to those around you. You can start by assessing your self-compassionate levels on self-compassion.org and then you can find a wide range of practices online that can help you build your compassion muscle. A good place to start is self-compassion.org, Greater Good in Action (https://ggia.berkeley.edu/) and the Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion (CenterforMSC.org).

4. Reconnect with the bigger picture

In the Western world, many of us develop an “it’s all about me” mentality and lose sight of the bigger picture: that we are all interconnected and this unites us. To get away from this self-referencing, practise broadening your perspective and becoming aware of others around you. For example, next time a situation arises that brings up emotions, challenge yourself to think about how this is affecting others who are also involved.

5. Practise being fully present and attentive

You cannot be truly compassionate if you are not listening or being fully present when someone is sharing their story with you. Although it can be hard in our fast-paced world with many distractions, giving someone your full attention is a very good vehicle to compassion. So next time you are with someone, try to avoid multitasking, checking your phone, or paying attention to something other than the person you are with. And try to be generous when you listen: give them time to tell their story without interrupting, judging, or giving advice.

6. Find the right level of generosity

Generosity is a great way of conveying compassion, however, the dose needs to be right. If you give endlessly and selflessly, you are at risk of ignoring your own needs. Another potential pitfall of generosity is that you might find yourself being kind to please people and seek approval. But generosity does not require you to act selflessly and lose sight of what is important to you to make someone else feel good. So, when being generous, make sure that you are checking in with your own needs and intentions before acting.

Takeaways

Compassion might seem challenging at first and initially requires conscious effort, but it is incredibly worthwhile. Not only do our acts of compassion uplift others, but they also uplift ourselves – something we could all benefit from after this incredibly difficult year. So this festive season, let’s all spread a little kindness (and don’t forget yourself when you do!).

References:

1) Dacher Keltner on the Evolutionary Roots of Compassion – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrShIMtYJU&feature=emb_title

2)Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.

3)Eriksson T, Germundsjö L, Åström E and Rönnlund M (2018) Mindful Self-Compassion Training Reduces Stress and Burnout Symptoms Among Practicing Psychologists: A Randomized Controlled Trial of a Brief Web-Based Intervention. Front. Psychol.

4)Neff, K. D., Rude, S. S., & Kirkpatrick, K. L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of research in personality, 41(4), 908-916.

5)Sbarra, D. A., Smith, H. L., & Mehl, M. R. (2012). When leaving your Ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science, 23(3), 261–269.

6)Terry, M. L., Leary, M. R., & Mehta, S. (2012). Self-compassion as a buffer against homesickness, depression, and dissatisfaction in the transition to college. Self and Identity, 1–13. doi:10.1080/15298868.2012.667913

7)Brion, J. M., Leary, M. R., & Drabkin, A. S. (2014). Self-compassion and reactions to serious illness: The case of HIV. Journal Of Health Psychology, 19(2), 218–229.

8)Biber, D. D., & Ellis, R. (2019). The effect of self-compassion on the self-regulation of health behaviors: A systematic review. Journal of Health Psychology, 24(14), 2060-2071.

9)Pace, T. W., Negi, L. T., Adame, D. D., Cole, S. P., Sivilli, T. I., Brown, T. D., … & Raison, C. L. (2009). Effect of compassion meditation on neuroendocrine, innate immune and behavioral responses to psychosocial stress. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 34(1), 87-98.

10)Hoge, E. A., Chen, M. M., Orr, E., Metcalf, C. A., Fischer, L. E., Pollack, M. H., … & Simon, N. M. (2013). Loving-Kindness Meditation practice associated with longer telomeres in women. Brain, behavior, and immunity, 32, 159-163.

11)Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2013). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78-98.

12)Dutton, J. E., Roberts, L. M., & Bednar, J. (2010). Pathways for positive identity construction at work: Four types of positive identity and the building of social resources. Academy of management review, 35(2), 265-293.

13)Bakker, A. B. (2011). An evidence-based model of work engagement. Current directions in psychological science, 20(4), 265-269.Kanov, J. M., Maitlis, S., Worline, M. C., Dutton, J. E., Frost, P. J., & Lilius, J. M. (2004). Compassion in organizational life. American Behavioral Scientist, 47(6), 808-827.