Sickeningly Sweet: when positivity becomes toxic and what you can do about it.

Healthy vs. toxic positivity

Healthy positivity isn’t about being extremely positive 100% of the time. Instead, it’s about cultivating certain subtle feelings and attitudes like gratitude, open-mindedness, optimism, empathy, contentment and generosity. Healthy positivity can also be associated with more positive reappraisal, which is a meaning-based coping strategy that involves reframing a negative event into a more tolerable or valuable one. So healthy positivity acknowledges that difficult situations happen and tries to view these setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth. People can also use the traits associated with healthy positivity, such as compassion and encouragement, to support others around them and build stronger relationships.

In contrast, toxic positivity is a mindset which is intensely fixated on happiness. It’s the belief that one HAS to be happy ALL of the time, even during difficult moments. It promotes the unrealistic standard of ‘good vibes only’ which means that all other emotions and experiences are not welcome. However, as we will see below, this denial and minimization of our emotions or those emotions of others can have the opposite effect and lead to more unhappiness.

So, when does positivity become toxic?

Researchers have identified certain situations in which using positivity may be ineffective and even detrimental:

1) When it’s in excess

Studies have shown that moderate positivity is associated with healthy emotional functioning and the ability to cope with stress. In contrast, very low and very high levels of positivity are linked with more maladaptive functioning (1,2). Too many positive emotions have also been shown to be a risk factor for mania, a mental health state characterised by excitement, overactivity and agitation (3). So overall, research suggests that when it comes to positivity there really can be too much of a good thing.

2) When it’s used in controllable situations

Positive reappraisal can be helpful in uncontrollable situations, like being in an accident or witnessing a loved one’s illness, because using problem-focused coping to attempt to change these types of situations is often futile (4). However, when faced with controllable stressors, such as a potential job loss due to poor performance or arguments with a partner because of a lack of communication, positivity seems to be more of a hindrance (4). One reason for this is that negative emotions can motivate people to take action and use problem-solving to change their circumstances, for example by putting in more effort at work or attending couples counselling (5).

3) When it becomes obsessive

Being fixated on happiness can often backfire. Some studies have shown that overly valuing happiness is associated with poorer psychological health and more depressive symptoms (6,7). It’s thought that obsessing about happiness may create unrealistic expectations which then result in disappointment when these are not met (8). In addition, being preoccupied with happiness can take people out of the present moment and consequently reduces their enjoyment of that activity or situation (9).

The telltale signs of toxic positivity

The negative consequences of toxic positivity

Whether self-inflicted or from others, toxic positivity can have a negative impact on many different aspects of our wellbeing, including:

1) Poor mental health

Toxic positivity is damaging because it denies, dismisses or discounts emotions and thoughts that are not strictly positive, such as sadness, anger and jealousy. However, these are also part of life and by suppressing them we invalidate our authentic human experiences. Research has shown that emotional suppression is associated with poorer mental health and it can get in the way of building rapport and forming relationships (10,11). In addition, a study has found that suppressing unwanted thoughts just makes someone more (not less) likely to become obsessed or preoccupied with those thoughts later on (12). These studies show us that acknowledging and expressing our full range of emotions and thoughts is an important part of mental wellbeing.

2) Shame & guilt

Toxic positivity also adds another layer of suffering to someone’s struggles by telling them that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable. After all, according to toxic positivity, ‘happiness is a choice’ and by being unhappy one is clearly doing something wrong. This can leave people feeling guilty for the ‘negative’ emotions they are experiencing. Toxic positivity also sends the message that people should keep silent about their struggles and pretend that everything is okay. However, this silence, secrecy and concealment can fuel feelings of shame, negative self-image and concerns about how one will be viewed by others (13).

3) Relational issues & isolation

By denying our genuine emotions and putting on a ‘happy face’ we start to start to become disconnected from our authentic selves. It also makes it difficult to connect authentically with others and build genuine relationships. In addition, being dishonest about our feelings and telling others “just think happy thoughts”, gives people the message that only a certain side (their happy side) is welcome and it discourages them from expressing their real feelings. Whitney Goodman, the author of the book Toxic Positivity, explains that “toxic positivity is a form of gaslighting [because] it tells people that what they’re feeling isn’t real, they’re making it up, and that they’re the only one who feels this way” (14). Ultimately, this lack of compassion, empathy and authenticity can lead to alienation and isolation.

4) Limits personal growth

In avoiding uncomfortable emotional situations, toxic positivity can also hinder or prevent growth. While this avoidance mechanism can provide us with temporary relief, in the long term it means that we never have to face challenging emotions from which we can gain insights, learn and grow.

How to avoid the toxic positivity trap

If toxic positivity is something that you’ve been affected by (either as the receiver or sender), these tips can help you develop a healthier mindset toward your emotions and experiences as well as be more supportive of those around you.

1) Reframe how you think about “negative emotions”

The issue with the term “negative emotions” is that it suggests that there is something inherently bad with them. In fact, “negative emotions”, such as fear, sadness and anger, are key to our survival as they give us clues about things that can affect our wellbeing and need our attention. Therefore, instead of suppressing our negative emotions and thoughts, it would be more helpful if we get curious about them. For example, by asking ourselves “What is this emotion trying to tell me?” or “What do I need to pay attention to?”. Another problematic belief associated with toxic positivity is that we can either feel happy or sad, but not both. However, emotions are as complex as the experiences that trigger them and rarely exist in isolation. Imagine you’re starting a new job: you’re likely to feel a mixture of emotions, like excitement, stress, curiosity and nervousness stress. Also, just because you are feeling stressed by the challenge ahead of you doesn’t mean you can’t also feel grateful for the opportunity you have been given. So next time you catch yourself thinking badly about your “negative emotions”, remind yourself that all feelings are valid,  it doesn’t have to be either/other and get curious about what they’re trying to tell you.

2) Cultivate self-compassion

Toxic positivity not only tells us what we should feel but also creates really unrealistic expectations about how we should feel and behave. For example, we might tell ourselves that we need to smile and be happy no matter the challenge we’re facing, which puts enormous pressure on us to suppress our natural reactions and act in a certain way. These unrealistic expectations can set us up for failure which makes us feel worse about ourselves. In contrast, self-compassion normalises our feelings, no matter what they are, and considers difficult emotions just as real, valid and important as positive emotions. This acceptance forms the basis of healthy emotional processing, including giving ourselves the permission to feel all of our feelings and finding ways to express them in helpful ways, such as journaling or talking to a friend. Self-compassion also encourages us to listen to what we need and be kinder to ourselves when we’re struggling. By being more accepting of our emotional experiences and practising self-care, self-compassion is a great antidote to toxic positivity and can help us navigate life’s challenges. 

3) Be mindful of social (media) comparison

Social media, with its highly curated content, has played a major role in the toxic positivity trend. Instead of showing the entire emotional spectrum, social media is often a highlight reel that avoids difficult emotions in favour of ‘good vibes only’. These messages can make people feel a lot of pressure to suppress their not-so-positive emotions and even leave them feeling make ashamed, flawed and isolated if their realities don’t match up to what they see online. If this is something you resonate with, try to be more mindful of how you view and interact with content and remember that you can choose what content you consume and who you follow.

4) Be a role model for others

Often the best way to make a systemic change is to lead by example. In the case of toxic positivity, this means role modelling emotional intelligence and healthy emotional regulation, for example, by being vulnerable and genuinely expressing your feelings. Opening up about difficult emotions shows others that “it’s okay not to be okay” and encourages them to talk about how they are feeling. Breaking the silence is also the first step in giving and receiving help when we or someone else is struggling. After all, how can your family and friends support you (or vice versa) if they don’t know that you’re having a hard time? And if you’re loved ones or acquaintances continue to push toxic positivity your way, try to stand firm in your truth and find others who welcome your vulnerability and honest emotions.   

5) Adjust your language

Words can be very powerful and have a lasting effect. That’s why it’s important to carefully choose the words we use when it comes to our and others’ emotional experiences. If you tend to struggle with finding the right words to say to someone who is struggling, these simple steps can guide you. Firstly, focus on listening, and I mean really listening, to what the other person has to say. Many of us have a tendency to listen to respond rather than listen to understand which can leave the other person feeling unheard and misunderstood. Then, instead of sharing a toxic platitude, like “it could be worse” or “just look on the bright side”, empathise with the person’s experience, for example, by saying “that sounds difficult” or “I can understand why you feel like that”. Finally, let the other person know you’re there for them and offer your support.

Useful Resources:

• Book: Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy by Whitney Goodman

• Podcast: Brené Brown in conversation with Dr. Susan David about the dangers of toxic positivity

• Video: Tedx Talk - How Toxic Positivity Leads to More Suffering by Mahmoud Khedr

References:

1. Lehrer, H. M., Janus, K. C., Gloria, C. T., & Steinhardt, M. A. (2017). Too much of a good thing: Curvilinear effect of the positivity ratio on emotional dysfunction and perceived resources in adolescent females. J Depress Anxiety, 6(286), 2167-1044.

2. Shrira, A., Palgi, Y., Wolf, J. J., Haber, Y., Goldray, O., Shacham‐Shmueli, E., & Ben‐Ezra, M. (2011). The positivity ratio and functioning under stress. Stress and Health, 27(4), 265-271.

3. Gruber, J., Johnson, S. L., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2008). Risk for mania and positive emotional responding: too much of a good thing?. Emotion, 8(1), 23.

4. Troy, A. S., Shallcross, A. J., & Mauss, I. B. (2013). A person-by-situation approach to emotion regulation: Cognitive reappraisal can either help or hurt, depending on the context. Psychological science, 24(12), 2505-2514.

5. Lazarus, R. S. (1993). Coping theory and research: Past, present, and future.

6. Ford, B., & Mauss, I. (2014). The paradoxical effects of pursuing positive emotion. Positive emotion: Integrating the light sides and dark sides, 363-382.

7. Gentzler, A. L., Palmer, C. A., Ford, B. Q., Moran, K. M., & Mauss, I. B. (2019). Valuing happiness in youth: Associations with depressive symptoms and well-being. Journal of applied developmental psychology, 62, 220-230.

8. Mauss, I. B., Savino, N. S., Anderson, C. L., Weisbuch, M., Tamir, M., & Laudenslager, M. L. (2012). The pursuit of happiness can be lonely. Emotion, 12(5), 908.

9. Schooler, J. W., Ariely, D., & Loewenstein, G. (2003). Happiness can be self-defeating. The psychology of economic decisions, 1, 41-70.

10. Berking, M., & Wupperman, P. (2012). Emotion regulation and mental health: recent findings, current challenges, and future directions. Current opinion in psychiatry, 25(2), 128-134.

11. Butler, E. A., Egloff, B., Wlhelm, F. H., Smith, N. C., Erickson, E. A., & Gross, J. J. (2003). The social consequences of expressive suppression. Emotion, 3(1), 48.

12. Wenzlaff, R. M., & Wegner, D. M. (2000). Thought suppression. Annual review of psychology, 51(1), 59-91.

13. Blum, A. (2008). Shame and guilt, misconceptions and controversies: A critical review of the literature. Traumatology, 14(3), 91-102.

14. Kimberly Harrington (January 26, 2022). "What is 'toxic positivity' and why is it a problem? A new book explains.: Life isn't a Hallmark card and that's okay, writes therapist Whitney Goodman". Washington Post. Retrieved July 14, 2022/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/books/2022/01/27/toxic-positivity-book/