Are you an emotional caretaker? How to find a balance between caring and taking

What is emotional caretaking?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, “caretaking” refers to “the work of taking care of people or animals”. Generally, when we think of caretakers we think of those who look after the vulnerable people in our society, for example, children, the elderly or people who are unwell. Importantly, these vulnerable people need support as they are usually not (yet) capable of fully taking care of themselves.

In contrast, emotional caretaking refers to prioritising someone else’s feelings and looking after all their emotional needs and wants, often at the cost of one's own emotional wellbeing. However, unlike a young child, the person being taken care of is generally very capable of managing their emotions or learning how to do so. Having said that, emotional caretakers often make very attractive partners for “emotional takers” who are selfish and manipulative. In such a relationship, the emotional caretaker might be taken advantage of and mistreated, particularly as they will often prefer to feel hurt or angry themselves rather than have their loved one experience those feelings. Consequently, the emotional caretaker will often do anything to please and appease the emotional taker to keep the peace in the relationship. 

In the next sections, we will take a look at the common characteristics and consequences of emotional caretaking as well as how to strike a balance between caring and taking within a relationship. Before we go on, I just want to preface that “emotional caretaking” is not yet a well-defined term and there is little to no research on it, so please take that into consideration when you read the information I have pulled together from a handful of articles (see references) and my personal and professional experience.

Emotional taker vs. emotional carer & taker vs. emotional caretaker

So you might be asking yourself, what’s the difference between being a loving and caring friend, family member or colleague and being an emotional caretaker? While there’s no clear cut-off between the two, I believe that a healthy relationship is characterised by a balance of caring and taking. In contrast, an emotional caretaker will be doing 100% caring with very little (if any) taking. At the other extreme, the emotional taker is so focused on their own emotional wellbeing that they rarely care for someone else’s and if they do it’s often as a means to an end (i.e. to get something they want or need). 

15 signs of emotional caretaking

Now that we know what emotional caretaking is, what are the common signs to look out for? The list below consists of 15 characteristics that can be associated with emotional caretaking:

1. People-pleasing

2. Over-complying with others' demands

3. The need to feel needed

4. Being drawn to people in need

5. Tendency to sympathise rather than empathise

6. Highly dependable

7. Feeling responsible for others' (emotional) wellbeing

8. Willing to sacrifice your wellbeing for that of others

9. Going out of your way to make sure others are okay

10. Wanting to avoid conflict and "keep the peace"

11. Fearing strong emotional reactions (e.g. anger, sadness) from others

12. Tendency to be passive in your relationships and let others lead

13. High levels of obligation and/or guilt that drive behaviour

14. Struggle to identify and assert your needs

15. Low self-esteem and self-worth

On their own, these characteristics could easily fit a number of different personality types or mental health states and they are not necessarily a problem in themselves (some are even qualities!). However, when taken together they create an outline of an emotional caretaker. If you found yourself nodding to some or most of the signs above, then it might suggest that you have a tendency to emotionally caretake in your relationships.

I’m an emotional caretaker. So what?

When an emotional caretaker is in a relationship with someone who values their caring nature while at the same time ensuring that the caretaker’s needs are met and that there’s a good balance between give and take, then they are likely to experience a positive and healthy dynamic. However, when an emotional caretaker is in a relationship with an emotional taker, this makes them vulnerable to being taken advantage of and (ab)used by their partner. Also, the balance of give and take is completely skewed in this dynamic which in the long term can give rise to a host of negative consequences, including:

1) Resentment by the caretaker

While the caretaker might thrive on being needed by their partner, over time this codependence can give rise to resentment. After all, the caretaker is routinely neglecting their own needs, wants and desires in favour of their partner’s and they are likely to reach a breaking point (even if they had a part to play in the dynamic). Initially, this might present as mild annoyance at having to sacrifice one more thing but eventually, these small annoyances can pile up into anger and resentment.

2) Disempowerment of the emotional taker

An emotional caretaker often assumes that their partner is incapable of managing their emotions and taking care of their emotional needs. As a result, they do everything in their power to protect their partner from uncomfortable and unwanted feelings. However, in doing so the emotional caretaker is simply turning their partner into an emotional taker and placing a plaster on their emotional wounds. This robs the emotional taker of the opportunity to regulate their own emotions and develop their emotional intelligence. In this unbalanced dynamic, the caretaker often also minimises their partner’s contributions to the relationship’s wellbeing while exaggerating their own. In the long run, this can leave the emotional taker feeling disempowered when facing challenging emotions and reliant on the caretaker to navigate them.

3) Caretaker burnout

As we described above, by tending to others’ emotional wellbeing, caretakers often neglect their own needs and wants. Apart from fueling resentment, this lack of self-care can leave the caretaker feeling exhausted and depleted. Furthermore, as the caretaker wants to ensure that they are never the cause of their partner’s uncomfortable feelings (like disappointment or anger) they will avoid doing things that might give rise to these feelings, such as setting boundaries or saying “no”. The combination of consistently tending to the other’s needs whilst neglecting their own increases the likelihood of the caretaker becoming “overworked” in the relationship and burnout.

4) The caretaker feels trapped in the relationship

There are various reasons that a caretaker may feel trapped in their relationship. Often the caretaker’s sense of obligation or loyalty towards the other person makes it hard for them to take distance or leave. They might also feel guilty for wanting to leave the relationship (no matter what their partner has done) as they know this will cause their partner pain. Lastly, codependence is another factor that can keep the caretaker trapped in the relationship. While they might be giving a lot of their time and energy to their partner, they are also getting something out of this dynamic, whether it’s feeling needed, keeping others close or not having to witness others’ distress.

How can I go from caretaking to caring AND taking?

If you’ve gotten this far, then chances are you can relate to some, if not many, of the characteristics and challenges that come with emotional caretaking and you’re probably wondering what you can do about it. The bad news is that there’s no quick fix when it comes to emotional caretaking. It’s a set of beliefs and learnt behaviours that have developed over time and consequently, it will take time and practice to unlearn. The good news is that they can be unlearned and replaced with healthier beliefs and behaviours that allow you to both care and take in your relationships. Below are some tips to help you get started on this process:

1) Practise putting yourself first

This one is especially difficult if you’re never learnt to listen to your needs or wants in the first place so I would encourage you to start small. For example, deciding what you will have for dinner or which movie you’re going to watch, and then building from there. It can also help to remember that in aeroplanes adults are told to put their oxygen masks on first and only then tend to that of their children. Similarly, by prioritising your own needs you will be better able to care for your loved ones and you won’t resent them while doing so (bonus!). 

2) Stop turning your “no” into a “yes” in disguise

Emotional caretakers are very adept at turning their nos into yeses to accommodate their partner. If this is something you struggle with, start by becoming aware of when you’re saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”. Next, learn to pause before replying to your partner’s requests so you don’t immediately reply with your habitual “yes, of course!”. This gives you time to evaluate what you need and want and then respond accordingly. Also, if you find it daunting to suddenly start saying “no” in your relationships, ask a person in your life who you trust and feel comfortable with if you can start practising with them. 

3) Be aware of your caretaking triggers

Emotional caretaking, like other relational patterns, is often the result of learnt behaviour during childhood. For example, a young child might have learnt that by trying to keep the peace at home his temperamental father was less likely to storm out. Consequently, conflict might be a trigger for this person’s emotional caretaking tendencies in adulthood and he might let others have their way rather than standing his ground. In contrast, a teenager might have learnt that being the emotional dumping ground for their depressed mother was a way of getting the connection she craved. In this case, the teenager might grow up to use caretaking as a way to feel needed and wanted by others and is triggered when she perceives them to be distant. The takeaway here is that each of us has our triggers and by knowing what they are we can learn to respond to them appropriately (e.g. by setting boundaries and saying “no”) rather than react out of habit.

4) Ask for help

As the ones who are often rescuing others and sacrificing themselves, emotional caretakers can find it very difficult to ask for help. In their eyes, this equates to being a burden, feeling ashamed for not being able to do it on their own, letting the other person down and being the source of those unwanted feelings. What emotional caretakers often struggle to see is that others want to help and it makes them feel good to return the care that has endlessly been bestowed upon them. Also, by asking for help from time to time it allows the emotional caretaker and their partner to strike a healthier balance between give and take.

Takeaway

Emotional caretakers typically have many admirable qualities, including buckets of kindness, loyalty, dependability and an easy-going nature. However, when coupled with a lack of boundaries and self-prioritisation, these qualities can quickly contribute to unhealthy and imbalanced relationships, especially if the other person takes advantage of them.

Healthy relationships are characterised by equality where each partner cares and takes. Therefore, emotional caretakers need to learn how to prioritise themselves, respect their own needs and set clear boundaries as well as seeking out people who value their qualities and are emotionally available and supportive.

References

• Article: When Relationships Are Based on Manipulation - Margalis Fjelstad for Psychology Today

• Article: 15 Signs of Caretaking in Relationships by Rachael Pace for Marriage.com

• Article: Why Do I Take Care of Everyone’s Emotional Needs Except My Own? by Beverly Amsel for GoodTherapy.org

• Article: Emotional Caretaker: Release This Role to Reclaim Your Life by Bethany Webster